Tillie Anne

Okay, this might get a little "heavy" and I appologize for that. I'm just giving you a fair warning so you don't have to keep reading it if you don't want to read "heavy" today...

I was blessed with the most beautiful baby girl six weeks ago, yesterday. Every day she does something new that instantly becomes the "cutest thing EVER!" and I take about ten pics of it on my phone and immediately download to Facebook. Every day I wake up and thank the Lord for the gift of being a Mommy and for this beautiful little girl I call mine. I sing to her at night to put her to sleep and I sing songs that teach her about Jesus and about where she came from and who she is. I want her to grow up knowing those things from the get-go. I tell her hundreds of times a day how much I love her and I honestly FEEL it every time I say it. When she falls asleep in my arms, I don't ever want to put her down. I just want to soak it ALL in. I don't want to miss ONE. SINGLE. MOMENT. Sometimes, I find myself looking at her and getting emotional because I know where she came from and my BIGGEST FEAR is that she'll be going back too soon...

Tillie Anne came to the Teichert house 22 years ago, today. I was four years old. She was absolutely beautiful. Lots and lots of dark hair and chubby cheeks. She had such a beautiful smile, and I REMEMBER that smile. I don't remember a lot about her, but I do remember how happy our house felt to have this new little life with us. I do, however, remember EVERYTHING about the day she was called back Home. I will spare the details, because that's not the point of this post.

I always knew losing Tillie was painful for my parents but I never knew just HOW painful something like that could feel...until I became a parent myself. I do not know how my Mom and Dad managed to get through life the day after and the day after that or every day beyond. Everywhere I turn in my house, there's a binki or a spitty rag or a stuffed sheep, an empty bottle, her bathtub, blankets galore, even the HAND SANITIZER on the counter makes me think of Sedona. In other words, she's my world.

I can't imagine having to pick yourself up the next day and take care of your other four children (that's how many my parents had before Tillie) and simply...go on. I am amazed by the strength that must have required and how well they did it. There are so many emotions and moments you just don't "get" as a small child, and I totally didn't get any of these at four years old. Now that I'm older, I look back and can see HOW my parents dealt with their loss and helped us to be prepared for these same emotions. (Heaven forbid, any of us have to go through it.)

The Atonement. That's how my parents got through it. They KNEW and UNDERSTOOD the Plan our Heavenly Father has set out for each one of His children. They dealt with their pain by teaching their other children that we WILL see Tillie again. They taught us that she is in a far better place and it's up to the rest of us to live our lives in such a way that we can all be with her again. They taught us about Jesus and His life and His death and resurrection. They taught us about love and how powerful it is. They SHOWED us love and they healed in return.

I realize that death is something you can never "get over" but I do belive in healing. How thankful I am that Tillie's passing is no longer a painful memory for us. Tillie's birthday is celebrated every year in my parent's house. We sing Happy Birthday and blow out candles and eat Angel Food Cake, cuz she's OUR Angel. She brings joy into our lives even though she is not physically here. And I am certain that my children will have had the chance to meet her before coming to my home.

I realize that my fear of losing my own baby girl to something so sudden may seem a little "debilitating" to some. I deal with that fear every night when I finally make myself put her down. I struggle with that fear in the night when she hasn't woken up yet (she sleeps throught the night already). I check on her several times during a regular nap...so yes, some people could say I'm crazy. But do you blame me? I do, however, have Faith in our Heavenly Father's Plan and I am so thankful for it! Thank you, Dad and Mom, for teaching it to me and for being living examples of the faith it requires to be truly happy!